HOW TO: Keeping naked men from chasing the kids in your yard

1. Preemptively--- Keep careful watch of the people in your neighborhood, and if possible know them by name.

2. If you suspect that anyone will remove pants and underwear, carry the cordless phone with you, or buy a clip for your belt loop.

3. Have the police on speed dial. (Remember they won't think of it as a 911 emergency, so input the local phone number.)

4. If the perpetrator ventures into your yard, use the element of surprise and barge out your door yelling at him and waving your phone. (Sometimes they think it's a gun, which is nice.)

5. Flip out! As you yell, act crazy, and yell a lot about calling the cops. (Yes, it's probably just a threat, because they would not get there in time, or bother helping you, perhaps. But, if you sale it hard enough, WITH PASSION, the "perp" will likely believe you.)

6. Be very brave, because children should be protected.

7. This worked for me, but it might not work for you. I don't own a gun. I'm considering a tazer. You may need to consult a professional, or go with your gut.